


Cold

by Sweetie_Pie



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon - Manga, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Illusions, Letters, Lost - Freeform, M/M, Memories, Self-Hatred, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 17:08:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29139063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sweetie_Pie/pseuds/Sweetie_Pie
Summary: Eren had always been used to human company, but he had to sacrifice it. Before his attack on Liberio, he only needs one last person to accompany him.The only one who understand him.
Relationships: Levi/Eren Yeager
Comments: 4
Kudos: 32





	1. Pretending

**Author's Note:**

> Hello !  
> I m a french girl so if you see some mistake in the text, warn me please.  
> 

Sitting on a bench with a book in his hands, Eren could hear the sound of children playing not far from him. Happiness and recklessness is what release children and he wished he could run away from them. His hands tightened on his book as he tried in vain to entertain his own jealousy. Jealousy of something he will never have again.

Drops fell on his book, and for a moment he wondered if he had been crying. However he could feel how his clothes were starting to stick to his skin but also the cries of children moving away.

The rain was hitting the ground hard, Eren felt like every beat came from his bruised heart. The cold he felt in him was not due to the temperature but to the loneliness he felt. His heart was cold from the lack and her heart was lacking. Yes it was sorely lacking. He was missing Armin's warm, lively gaze on him or even Jean's fiery and passionate gaze. He was no longer enveloped in Mikasa's benevolence, Connie's joviality, and Sasha's awkward friendship.  
He wasn't ... his throat tightened. His heart quivered at the mental image of a steel gaze.

He closed his book violently, as if shutting his mind at the same time. He knew it would only be short-lived because nothing could remove him from his own turmoil, from his own thoughts. He closed his good eye and sniffed the air, letting his senses rock in the rain.

He finally got up, going to his room in the hospital. He needed so much heat, even artificial heat.  
He got rid of his clothes and bandages, and allowed himself a look in the mirror. He could almost see a disapproving expression behind him. He quickly fled at the sight, the ghost of that face fading as he turned his head.

The water was streaming over his body once again causing his thoughts to flow as well. The water was scalding hot, taking possession of every bit of his skin and making her blush.

He didn't know how long he had been in the shower but when he came out the rain had stopped and night had fallen. He collapsed on his bed, he wasn't doing anything very physical in his day and yet he felt so tired. Tired of his own mind.

He knew that if he surrendered to Morpheus his dreams might chase him, but he had struggled so much with sleep that he no longer had the strength. So he fell asleep.

He woke up feeling a weight on his hips and two hands resting on his bare chest. His eye flickered in the dim light and despite the lack of light, he recognized the soft silhouette.  
He felt a hot flash flood his lungs, he felt like he had drowned the whole time and someone had finally come out of the water. He was consumed inside when he saw her pretty gray eyes on him.  
The power Levi had over him was impressive.

“I don't like you like that. He said, raising Eren's eyebrows and Levi looked annoyed. “Long hair. This is really not good for a soldier. "

He shook his head while not taking his eyes off her. “I don't know if I can still be called a soldier.” He cursed himself when he heard how her voice had cracked. Eren felt so vulnerable in front of him, ready to expose his every weakness and let his hands burn his hands on his chest.

"If you're no longer a soldier, then what are you doing for Paradise? "

He thought about it, looking away for the first time since Levi arrived. “I let it down.” His eye was back on him.

Silence fell for a few seconds, Levi's annoyed look changing into something Eren could barely perceive. Melancholy perhaps?

" Like me.” He said finally, breaking the short silence.

Eren felt his heat evaporate from his body. His gaze fled again but never for long, as Eren couldn't help but stare at him. " Like you. "

" I'm cold. “ Levi leaned against him, his hands never leaving his chest. Eren wanted to savor the moment, but Levi straightened up quickly. "If you don't light a fire, I'll go. " Eren swallowed, realizing the real meaning of his sentence. He had lost the flame that animated him, that of his passion.  
The one who had always accompanied him and who had carried humanity in a last hope

"Is it less cold where you are?" 

“It is less cold everywhere. "

"When you're with me aren't you less cold?” Eren asked, his heart breaking in apprehension.

Levi ignored his request, casually changing the subject. His voice was strangely soft. "Did you find your freedom? "

Eren's jaw tightened. " No. "

"And your love? Did you find him? "

Eren's heartbeat grew so fast, his hands finally caressed Levi's thighs and moved up to his back. Before letting them fall.

" Neither. "

" Neither ? "

"Now it's too late, I won’t find him anymore. "

Levi looked at him in surprise, his mouth opening slightly to say something. He took a soft sigh, Eren engraving the accompanying noise in his memory, and he was gone. His silhouette replaced by the half-light of the room.

It was all wrong. He hadn't seen Levi again but he needed it so badly. He felt happy despite it being false, despite this exchange so sadly realistic.

When he woke up he saw all the tough decisions he had had to make over the past few years. Decisions about the life or death of people. He had seen too much, heard too much. His heart, huge at first, was increasingly shrouded in layers of ice to protect itself from the consequences of his actions. But the love for Levi never froze, no matter how cold he was going to have to pretend to be cold towards him. He was cold, making him shake and hurt but never freeze because the mere imagining of Levi was enough to melt him.  
It was certainly what had kept his sanity the whole time. Once again, Levi was the one saving Eren from his own mistakes.

He got out of bed, walking over to his small table where his teapot rested. He served the tea in the two cups present, as there were always two cups.  
Levi appeared in one of the chairs, retrieving one of the cups and holding it like no one else has before.

Eren's heart wanted to break when he saw him. He missed him. It’s excruciating how he missed him so much. Not in waves but constantly. All the time without respite.  
This is why Levi's ghost was chasing him through his day now, otherwise he wouldn't survive. Maybe he would freeze to death.

So he let himself slide, slide into artificial warmth and false comfort. He would let himself slide until the day he found him. However, after what he had become, he would never regain his love and the moments of peace they shared. His heart was dying a little more every day thinking about it.  
The fake Levi was a comfort but also a poison, reminding him every day of what he would never find again. And he let himself go, drunk with a poisoned and unreal love.


	2. Under the stars

“Eren wrote a personal letter to you. "

Sitting in a dignified manner on that hardwood chair, he remained like a statue. The sword of Damocles hanging over his hair seemed to weigh terribly heavy, but his pride kept him from stooping. His hands clasped on his knees and would gradually come together, while his eyelids blinked so irregularly that it was doubtful he was truly human. But the heart of a statue doesn't beat, does it? But Levi's heart was pounding, so quickly that he threatened to explode his rib cage.

His gaze fell on the letter first, then on Hange. She was looking at him worriedly and her mouth was tight in a thin line. So he nodded and motioned for her to put the letter on the table. In silent agreement, she didn't ask a question and left immediately, leaving him alone.

He should have been happy, but not after the letter Eren sent them all, explaining how he was dragging them into his macabre plan. Eren's name was once synonymous with hope, and today it brought about desolation.

Levi finally stood up, quickly hugging his knees. He retrieved the letter and put it in a safe place among the others he had received and which he had never opened. These, only Levi knew of their existence, but he didn't want to know their content.

He stroked the chest that covered his letters and his heart. He should burn it but when he saw it, his mind drifted to the past and the words he had said that he would never regret. Honoring them forever.

——————————————

Sunlight pierced the water in shimmering gold wells, highlighting the colorful corals and making the sand sparkle like dust from crushed pearls. Turtle grass and kelp leaves swayed lazily in the gentle rushing current.  
A gentle breeze caressed Livai's face and he found himself breathing deeply. He felt like he was reliving the first time he stepped out of the underground.

However, like the first time he tasted a new tune, he will have to fight a new enemy and lose more of his companions.  
He would like not to think about it when the atmosphere was so happy around him, seeing one of Mikasa's few smiles and Armin's dream finally coming true should be enough to erase his apprehensions.  
But how could you be serene when you saw the hope of humanity lost the flame in his eyes, seeming to know a lot more than they all did? What had he seen in his memories?

Levi wasn't fooled, he knew that Eren was hiding something deep inside and that had been able to erase his optimism. His heart sank at the sight of Eren. He was the only one who didn't savor the moment, trapped in too much apprehension.

Shaking his head, he saved his thoughts for later. He ignored Hange who was approaching him with a big smile, his arms outstretched to take him into the water with her. 

The day passed quickly as they all set up camp, in the evening during dinner Eren was not present and at night he did not show up to sleep. Worried, Levi slipped out of his tent and went in search of the younger one, finding him looking out across the sea. He joined him in silence, putting aside the apprehension of getting his clothes dirty, he sat on the sand next to him.

Levi felt how Eren tensed up, breathing faster. "I won't judge you or ask you any questions." He said as he locked his gaze far out into the sea.

A slight sobbing sound was heard as Levi fell silent. When Eren finally stopped, he collapsed back onto the sand and the older one did the same. They were now both lying, looking at the stars.  
Levi let himself be intoxicated by the beauty of the sky, the light wind blowing and the sound of the waves against the rocks. He felt relaxed as he rarely had been, and he felt that Eren was in the same state as him.

Little by little the younger boy's breathing stabilized, proof that he had fallen asleep. Levi stayed a few moments longer, then went to his tent.

This pattern repeated every night for a while, Eren sobbing each time until they ended up lying on the sand. Then one day, the older man found himself breaking the silence. "The first time I saw the stars ..." he paused, he himself didn't expect to say that. He pursed his lips and swallowed, his throat suddenly becoming dry. Eren gave him a curious look, the light in his eyes shining as they had been so dull these days. So he continued. "... the world seemed really beautiful to me for the very first time and I was tasting hope for the first time. "

"The sea does the same to you captain?" Eren asked in a whisper as if not to break the moment, his voice soft.

He shook his head. “I learned from my mistakes. “ He whispered in turn.

Levi finally turned his head to Eren, his gaze fixed on him.  
The electrifying emerald crossed the dark silver as their gazes met. The breeze caressed their faces and made their hair fly slightly.

Eren stared into the cold gray eyes, more metallic and harsh than his, but full of an alien sweetness that he was privileged to witness. That dark gaze that seems to have no background, and his eyes so gray they look like an endless thunderstorm or the moon itself.

Levi drowned in that luminous gaze that he had missed so much, losing himself in those eyes that are now part of him.

A smile formed on Eren's lips and Levi's heart skipped a beat.

They didn't know how long had passed but when they finally parted, they knew something had changed.

Time continued to pass. Upheavals and new faces and problems had happened, but they never stopped seeing each other. Sometimes the night passed calmly, or then a few sentences were exchanged in a light tone, sometimes the oldest trying to hear the laughter of the youngest again and he always succeeded without knowing why but he felt privileged. They never spoke of Eren's strange behavior and the memories he had, the older one wanted to give him time and envy.

That night was a night when no words were exchanged, tirelessly gazing at the stars.  
Levi's hand rested on the sand and a hesitant hand came over to it, resting on it with the utmost delicacy. Without saying a word, he turned his hand over and curled his fingers around Eren's hand.

No words had been exchanged but something stronger had been.

Then came the day when they had to go to Mahr.

Levi was already concerned enough with this whole adventure and Eren’s gaze did not reassure him. He looked so distressed and so uncomfortable. His gaze is often unfocused -or well not focused on the present- and his friends seemed to ignore it.  
He couldn't imagine how the younger one was suffocating, not being able to escape the whole world, especially when everyone reminded him it and didn't help him.

They got off on the boat and the day passed in a strange way, Eren felt so lonely. He knew that the family he was with today would suffer in the rumbling and he can’t look at them in the eyes anymore.

When he was joined by Mikasa, he quickly wiped away his tears. He knew she had seen him cry but she hadn't asked, turning a blind eye. He didn’t have the courage to share when she seemed so eager not to know. So he just asked her the question that obsessed him so much. He needed to be told who he was, what he represented, but the question was in vain.  
He just needed warmth, the warmth of a family. He had looked for it in this girl he had once saved and with whom he had shared most of his life, the one who should have seen his distress when Eren was drowned in this feeling of self-loathing.

Without realizing it, the two had confused the meaning of each other's words. He had just finished crying as she blushed.  
She had made the mistake of thinking he was talking about romantic feelings when he was only looking for comfort and understanding.

So he walled off again, drinking the offered alcohol without enjoying the moment.

Most of the team ended up drunk. It had bothered Levi a bit, but he could only understand their desire to get away from it all. So he let them sleep while he’s gone gone a walk.

Walking through the unknown lands, Levi missed the feel of the sand beneath his body and Eren was next to him and holding his hand.

He found himself under the foot of a unknown fruit tree. He didn't know how he had found it seen how far Levi had walked but Eren ended up joining him. They both looked at the sky.

“A few years ago, I didn't think I would be miserable at this point in my life.“ Eren began in a tone of confession, surprising Levi.

“I have been sad more than once in my life, but I have never been miserable. It's all just a state of mind. Right now you and I are just ... "

"Hopeless ? "

" Yes. "

“I didn't know you were so optimistic.“ Eren joked and Levi looked up, giving him a flik.

"Do you like the new view?" Levi asked.

Eren forced laugh. "It's nothing that I haven't seen before. Like ice-creams…" he swallowed as tears rolled down his face, his voice cracked like his mind. "It just reminds me of…" And he didn't finish his sentence but Levi understood.

Levi understood that even for a simple ice cream Eren would remember someone who had been abused, killed or assaulted.  
The older one saw that "help" look in the younger one.

Gathering his courage, he looked up at the stars, aware of the weight of the words he was about to say. If he had been told that one day he would say things like that, him the Ice Man, he would have been annoyed.

"The discovery is not the most important. I look at the same stars over and over again but I never get tired of them because I have experienced so many different things under them. " He closed his eyes before pointing them at Eren, his emeralds already focused on him. He recovered both of Eren's hands in his, squeezing them affectionately making Eren blush. “Especially when I'm with you. " Eren's eyes widened as Levi released his hands and resumed staring at the sky. "And if you think you've discovered it all, make me discover it. Until one day I find a way to introduce you to something new."

He felt Eren think quickly, hesitating to ask him something.

“Levi ?"

The older one turned his face to Eren, his lips pursed as he looked at his feet and played with his hands nervously.  
The wind made the leaves and their hair dance, it was different from the sea, but Levi found it pleasant.

"What am I to you? Why do you care about me? Because I am one of your team or because I am the hope of mankind? " Eren asked again, still searching for a real answer.

Eren was still looking for a word of comfort, reassurance that he wasn't just a murderer or a failure. That all his efforts to do the right things were not in vain.

Levi shook his head in obvious annoyance, he could understand the meaning of Eren's question and why he was asking it but it pissed him off anyway. “Tch." He returned his now stern gaze to Eren. "To me you are Eren. I care for you because it’s you. "

" I... "

For the second time today, Eren started to cry but for the first time in years, warm and reassuring arms covered him. He let his face drop on Levi's shoulder and continued to cry, saying how sorry he was. He was grateful that Levi didn't ask why, he just stroked his hair and back.

He let himself be dragged to the foot of the tree, sitting down with Levi who still held him tight. He cried until he lost power.

After a short period of rest after crying, Eren cleared his dry throat to allow his broken voice to rise. "If one day I am no longer human, our paths parting, will you still see me the same way as before? "

The hug tightened harder on both sides, one because he understood the implication and the other because he knew he had made himself understood. "Of course, I promise I will hug you even when you lose your wings. Those moments under the stars, I have not and will never forget those days. And in the same way as before, you will be just Eren to me no matter what. "

He thought he didn't have enough water in his body but Eren started to cry again and Levi just rocked him. What he didn't know was that Eren was crying because it would be the last time they would experience such a moment in peace.

The last thing Eren said to him that night was "I'm scared.".

The next day, when Levi saw Eren leave the conference, he realized that he would not see him again. Accepting the fate, he ignored it and refrained from going after him.

Later he received a letter which he never opened.

———————————

Levi quickly chased his memories away. Everything had changed today. Eren’s departure had been painful and what followed continued to crush him and his sanity.

First, the letter announcing the attack Eren was planning but hadn't surprised Levi. He had always known how monster he was on their first expedition. Of course, it annoyed him anyway.

And then there were the rumors that revolved around Eren and Historia, they had already been present when he was still around but Levi had ignored them. He had received pathetic letters when the queen was obviously still having his visits.

He sighed. Levi knows his default, it's easy with what little there is. And above all, he's a possessive bastard. But if there was one quality you could find in him, it was that he knew how to put his feelings aside for the fight and he was more than ready to fight.

But he would never forget his promise.

—————————-

It was the big day, Eren was ready to fight. For the freedom of Paradise and for the happiness of those who were close to him the day before he abandoned them.

His whole plan was ready and he had built up all the courage he needed. He was ready to put his humanity aside, even if sometimes he wondered if he had even had it once.

However, Eren keep moving forwards, despite all his feelings and misgivings because in order to save the world you have to be hated.

He took a deep breath and allowed himself one last time to cry in the starlight, an imaginary hand against his. He was so afraid of what he was going to experience and of the look they will give him. The look he will give him.

Cause Eren was the poetic reflection of a broken being who could not fight his fate. Despite his efforts he will always be overtaken by hatred, suffering and therefore the evil that results from it. Eren always switched between genuine love and the madness of fear; that of being abandoned by the one man he never loved.

He finally wiped away his tears and walked towards the meeting place with the enemy.

At the same time, Levi was adjusting the straps of his gear, ready for his encounter with the enemy that was once humanity's hope.


End file.
